Zero to Spartan in less than a year....yeah, that's do-able, right?

 Hooray! You're looking at my blog! How'd you get here, are you a friend? Then, please, let me apologize in advance. I'm not a great writer. I'm not a great athlete. I'm probably really not great at anything aside from spelling. (SPELLING. That's a super-valuable skill nowadays, isn't it? I mean, who really uses spellcheck...) So if you're my friend, and you're looking at this blog, I apologize that you got roped in to reading this crap. Seriously. You should probably go watch "Biggest Loser," it's bound to be more entertaining, and besides, at least you know right at the beginning that people will actually be losing weight, and getting in shape, which is all somehow satisfying in a story-book kind of way: you know that the contestants will face obstacles, but most, if not all, of them will struggle through to lose massive amounts of weight. And they will be able to run a marathon by the end of the show. Sadly, unlike a season of "The Biggest Loser," I cannot make any kind of promise that I will lose weight, even if I do somehow get into marginally better shape than I'm in right now. And, come to think of it, I cannot promise I will actually finish the Spartan. So if you're looking for a surefire feel-good story, this probably isn't the blog for you. 

If you don't know me, then I am really, really sorry you are here. Who coerced you into reading this?....oh, wait, maybe it's an office pool or something like that?....you're waiting to see the train wreck? I understand. You may quite possibly see a spectacular train wreck. On the other hand, I cannot promise you massive public shame, humiliation and failure. It's possible that I might indeed complete this journey; I may, in all honesty, lose a lot of weight AND finish the Spartan race. So if you are here, popcorn in hand, gleefully expecting epic failure, I'm sorry to say you may not get that. 

If you are my family....good heavens, you have to live with me or else you have to see me at Christmas, isn't that enough? Surely you have better things to do. I'm related to mathematicians, doctors, PhD's, business owners...surely you ought to spend your precious time coming up with a formula for the Theory of Everything, or you've got murderous crimes to solve, or students to teach (even peripherally), or businesses to run....Please, you have more important matters to attend to. (Hey, yeah, I know I ended that sentence on a split infinitive. Deal with it. It's my blog, don't get all English-y up in my grill. I might just take my gift back this Christmas.)

Why the Spartan? I don't know, honestly. A couple of my church friends did it, and I was jealous and insecure, and I said, "I'll do it with you next year!" because I want them to like me and because I imagine that possibly there might be some kind of moral support forthcoming from that impulsive declaration.  Also, I know I need a goal in order for me to bother getting up off the sofa and to stop eating barbecue potato chips. I need purpose. Definition. An outside force. Something, anything, to get me back into shape. 

Because I was in shape a couple years ago. I was, in fact, training to run a half-marathon. I was really looking forward to this event. I was going to run with my dad, who is super-fit, and of course he's my dad so I really, really want his approval, and what better way than to run 13 miles with him? He really digs exercising. More than anyone else I know. Maybe more than Jilliene Michaels. (Supposedly she hates exercising. But I guess she's super-motivated to look a certain way, i.e., thin and gorgeous, so that's enough motivation for her to work out. Whatevs. My dad could kick her butt. Not that that's saying much, but, well, it kind of is. And my dad is REALLY OLD compared to Jilliene. So that makes it more impressive, right? ) 

Anyway, I was training for this half-marathon - really training, not sitting on my sofa theoretically thinking about maybe possibly going for a run; no, I really was running. Quite a bit. I would go for a short, 4-mile run most days. Then about every ten days or so, a longer run. My longest run? Sixteen miles. That's right. SIXTEEN. Count 'em. Yep, I ran sixteen miles once. (On a treadmill. Don't judge. My longest street run was ten miles.) It was right about this time that I took a week off for the holidays, and that week turned into two weeks, and then I realized this was a bad trend, so I decided to go for a short, four-mile run one day. And that's when it happened.

Right down the road from me - where the road takes this perilous 90-degree turn - my knee started to hurt.

No big deal, I thought. I'll push through the pain.

Ha. Ha. Ha. In about 30 feet I was limping like a horse that is about to get "put down" with a shotgun. About 10 feet beyond that, I about fell over from the pain. However, figuring that getting run over with an actual moving vehicle would be slightly worse than a throbbing knee, I managed to stand up and careen over to the side of the road. For a few minutes, I considered, then rejected, the possibility of calling a taxi. Or maybe an ambulance. 

Ultimately I rejected both of these ideas, and managed to limp / drag my foot pathetically behind me like a zombie, home. 

Then I spent the next five years pouting. Because, you see, I liked running. It was fun. Nothing else was fun. I didn't have a reason to go work out. Oh, sure, I tried to "keep up my physical fitness" by going to the gym, but that made me want to stab my eyes out. What was the point? Why sweat on a machine, staring into outer space / at other, more fit people on their machines / the wall? I couldn't even watch anything on the TV screen, it just bored me SO much. 

I tried classes, too, but you know how it is when you can't dance, you can't keep up with everyone else, you can't get the moves down...it's just sad. I couldn't do that anymore either. 

Working out at home? No, not so much. My kids were small and thought that "home workout" meant "time to join in and laugh a lot," which I, very maturely, interpreted as "making fun of Mom," and I just couldn't do the home workouts anymore, either. Even if they were just kids being silly I felt like a complete idiot dressed in Spandex and jumping around in my postage stamp-sized living room.

Eventually, all that pity and loathing pointed inward turned into me mostly sitting on a sofa all day, periodically eating potato chips or cake (possibly a whole cake, once, but I can neither confirm nor deny). Shockingly enough, pouting does not burn very many calories. I know, right! How can this be? Especially when one puts so much effort into pouting. Such elaborate face-saving stories that are told to justify the pouting. Such sighing to be had, when certain very kind-hearted people would try to solve my problem (of basically un-gluing my rear end from the reclining chair). You would really think the calorie investment would be greater. 

Alas, it is not. Pouting will not make one physically fit. Neither will sitting around and thinking about how nice it would be to join a gym, throw around some weights, and maybe eventually heal the bad knee. This I have learned.  

Which brings me to....today. At the gym. Impossibly, I was at some kind of weight-lifting class (low weight, high reps) and I found myself looking the instructor in the eyes and saying "I plan on competing in the Spartan race next year." Yes, I said that. Yes, she's a weight-lifting instructor. Yes, it seems I have finally, completely, yet not unexpectedly, lost my mind. But I said it. And I meant it.

It would be great storytelling if, at this point, I either finished on a high note: I'm stronger than I thought I was! or, better yet: I tried valiantly but after wallowing in a pool of sweat and vomit only five minutes in, I gave up. Neither of these things happened. I'm about as shapeless as I thought I was, and I could barely keep up even with the lightest baby weights (you want to know how light? Try one-pound weights on either end of the almost hollow, nearly-weightless barbell. That would be TWO POUNDS. That's right. TWO. Deux. Dos). 

About ten minutes into the class I knew I would be suffering tomorrow from horrible soreness, and since I'm such a wimp I immediately made a plan to track down some young, chiseled trainer to find me a recovery drink. God in His Eternal Mercy provided me a smoothie bar wherein one may order a smoothie, with a shot of L-Glutamine. If you've never heard of L-Glutamine, and you work out...what are you, some kind of masochistic pain freak? Please. There's no need for that kind of misery. (Unless you like that kind of misery. But that's a whole 'nother thing, and that's not what this blog is about.) L-Glutamine is a magical amino acid that helps you feel less sore after working out. In all honesty, L-Glutamine is the only reason I will push it, even a little bit, in a workout. If there were no L-Glutamine, it would take me approximately 137 years to work up to the kind of 30-minute "Chair Yoga" session usually reserved for the silver-haired crowd. Seriously: L-Glutamine is The Bomb!

Which brings me to now. Here I am, contemplating the sheer lunacy of telling EVERYONE IN THE WORLD that I plan to run in the Spartan next year. 

And it seems like a story that should be told. That I need to tell, if for no other reason than to learn to loosen up and laugh at myself. But maybe, the real reason is this: I need to have a goal. And the deeper reason might possibly be: I need to do something outrageous. 


Postscript: I DID NOT read this blog before making my big (dumb) decision. It just so happened this guy wrote this blog entry and it's on the Spartan site tonight. I like to think it's God's Way of Telling Me I'm Right To Do This. 

http://blog.spartanrace.com/note-to-self-remember-to-train/ 
                                                          

Going under barbed wire, through mud.

Running through fire. Yes - FIRE.

Don't just spell it correctly - Use it well!

Back in middle school, I entered a UIL spelling competition.  I was an excellent speller. Still not too bad, either; chalk it up to an excellent education in phonics, along with a strong genetic predisposition for language, and combine that with unfettered acccess to libraries, et voilà, you come up with a ridiculously pointless human spellcheck.  But I digress. At this middle school spelling competition, we were all seated at these big tables; some poor teacher who got roped into helping out at UIL had the job of calling out the words and their definitions; and we students were to write down the words.

The entire room missed "zucchini." They told us this after the spelling papers were checked. Then we were told the correct spelling. Guess who's never forgotten it since?....yeah. That's a totally useful job skill, let me tell you. It comes in handy ALL the time, like when you work at a restaurant and write the daily special on the chalkboard out front...and, well, pretty much that's the only time. 

So of course I was intrigued when my erstwhile spelling nemesis made its appearance with the word "brownies." Of all things! I mean, zucchini, in a brownie? Have you ever even thought of such a thing before? No? Well neither had I. 

Here's the recipe. You can thank me later.  

 

Low Fat Zucchini Brownies - from Sparkpeople

 

1/2 cup applesauce
2 small or medium bananas mashed
1 1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups finely shredded zucchini
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup walnut pieces

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour an 9x13 inch baking pan.
In a large bowl, mix together the applesauce, mashed bananas and sugar. Add vanilla and cocoa and mix together. Then add baking soda, salt, and zucchini and mix together. Add flour and walnuts and mix together. Spread evenly into a prepared pan. Bake for 25 minutes until brownies spring back when gently touched.

Spinach Feta Wrap

So, you like Starbucks' Spinach, Feta & Egg White wrap? 

Me too!!

Here is my version:



Sauteed onions, garlic, mushroom (which is not in the Starbucks version) & baby spinach added to egg whites, topped with a sprinkling of parmesan and feta, all wrapped up in a Flat-Out Light wrap.

So. LAME.

Yeah, I'm lame, I admit it. Almost embrace it, really.

I don't have an excuse. The holidays? Meh. That's no reason. Been busy with the kids underfoot? Hm. Again, no reason. Feeling sorry for myself because we are on a strict budget? Wow, that is the WORST excuse EVER. And more evidence of my intrinsic lame-ness.

So, no, I don't have an excuse for not keeping up with this blog.

How is the weight loss going, you ask?

*sigh*

I'd rather you not ask, actually. Because...it's not. Going. The weight loss.

It's not that I've given up....more like, been sidetracked?  With all those non-excuses above.

That, and I need to temporarily find a different way or place to work out, which makes things a little more complicated.

Also, I may be looking for a job very soon. But I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily; although I'd rather not have my little grandson in daycare, and I would also rather keep my 13-y-o son out of public school, still, having a job would force a little more structure onto my shapeless days, and that might be just the motivation I need to start working out again (and to stick with a diet again).

What have we been up to for the past month or so?  Well, we had Christmas, of course, and we got to see family: my mom and stepdad came for a visit; another day we met my dad and stepmom for dinner; then, finally, my in-laws came for a couple days, and that was probably the best gift of all since we haven't seen them in a year! And they hadn't met our little grandson yet! We were very blessed they got to come.

My older daughter has been continuing to work at the pharmacy, which was recently bought out by a Big, Nationwide Pharmacy Chain....much to her chagrin and to the consternation of her fellow workers. Older Daughter was planning to stick around awhile with this new pharmacy but the longer she stays, the worse it gets. Some of the differences: BNPC is open on Sundays, where before they were always closed. The workers' schedules are no longer set but instead change week to week. Employees have to have their purses and pockets searched anytime they leave the store. (I guess I understand this...shrinkage is a big concern with retail...but man, that's dehumanizing!) And worst of all: Big, Nationwide Pharmacy Chain has virtually NO full-time employees.  Older Daughter took off from school this semester so she could work full time (and in fact, under the old regime, she was told she would get to work full-time). But now it looks like she will have to find another job.

And I need to do some organizing. House is cluttery.

Someone send the Cleaning Fairies, please. And the Job Fairy. And the fairy that will wave her wand so my metabolism goes from "needs to work out an hour a day just to maintain a normal-ish weight" to "high metabolic rate means I can eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce."

Pre-Christmas Blues

So, here we are, Dec. 23rd - Christmas Eve, eve. 

I haven't posted for a few days because a windstorm came through this past week and after that the internet wasn't working.  Ultimately, it turned out something had gotten disconnected under the computer desk. Who knew? I mean, I was the one who had to go under the desk and mess with all the wires, while husband and tech support guy - both on the phone - directed what to plug in or un-plug.  I just know I left everything plugged back in....but lo and behold, that night, hubby comes home and immediately locates the un-plugged wire.  Internet restored! And, my family's unspoken acknowlegment of a certain person's air-headedness remains intact! Normalcy returned.

Anyway - Working out and going to the gym HAVE been happening on a regular basis, I'm pleased to report.  Additionally, Bible reading has ALSO been occuring, usually in the morning, on a regular basis.  Yay for both!!!

Food intake.....still needs some work.  But it's coming along.  My allergies kicked into high gear with the phenomenal winds (you know, the same winds that knocked out the internet?) and as a result, I've had to take a lot of Sudafed to keep the sinuses somewhat unclogged.  The upside to Sudafed?  Apparently, now, it kills my appetite. This has never been the case for me before. Why it does now, I couldn't say. But I'll take it.  The downside to Sudafed is being awake for much more of the night than I would want. That's not the worst thing in the world, but it sure does take the wind out of my sails the next day. 

So, food today:

a pear
several Cadbury cookies
minestrone soup
1 1/2 bread rolls
1/3 Canneloni
a "light" chocolate bar
quite a few chocolate-coated pretzels, vanilla-coated pretzels, and something SUPER yummy that seems to be Chex coated in sweet yumminess that my daughter said is "puppy chow" like a friend of ours at the old church used to make

No, not my best food day ever.  I think I'll have a glass of wine. Or a Colorado Bulldog.

Road Signs

Day Two - the good news!  Woke up at 7 am but did not read my Bible; instead, hubby and I went for a 1-mile walk. It was a chilly but really beautiful morning.  Great way to start the day. 

Later I went to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the Nordic machine.  So, that's good! 

But, I did weigh in.  The bad news: 171 lbs.  The most I have *ever* weighed in my life.  The good news?  I'm still in pretty good overall health, and despite a gripey knee, I'm able to work out.

What I ate today: 

2/3 of a medium non-fat Caramel Macchiato
a 32-oz mixed berry protein shake
1 Oreo cookie (Not twelve! Not ten! ONE!!!)
one red pear
the tops of 2 cupcakes (Not three! Not ALL the rest of the cupcakes! This is an improvement, people!!!
1/4 serving of Gardettos
5 chocolate animal crackers
10 baby carrots
1/2 C mac-n-cheese
7 Li'l Smokies sausages
1/2 can Green Beans

Probably got at least 5 servings of fruits/veggies today - that protein shake had a LOT of berries - but, I got too many carbs in the snacks & treats.  Also high fat content in the frosting & in the mac-n-cheese with sausages. 

7 am is an actual, real hour of the day.

Yay me!  Woke up at 7 am, read my Bible!!! Hooray!!!

Went to the gym. 45 minutes. Hooray again!!!

But, did not go weigh in today.  Truthfully I forgot.  No, really, I'm not kidding, I forgot. No, I'm not avoiding the scale. Why would I do that?  Aside from the fact that I can't fit into about 60% of the clothes in my closet, or that I'm inching into plus-sized clothing.  No, there's no reason I would not remember to go weigh in at the gym.

What I ate today:

- Grande skinny caramel macchiatto from Starbucks
- An original chicken burrito from Del Taco - easy sauce, easy cheese, only ate about half the tortilla
- 2 double-stuffed Oreo cookies - Hey, it was ONLY two!!! Not twelve!!! Yay me!!!
- the last serving of my healthy Mexican layered...thing....
- 3 94% Fat-Free Hebrew National Light hot dogs
- Half a can of green beans
- a Colorado Bulldog: 1 oz. Svedka vodka, 1 oz. Kahlua, about 1 1/2 C. fat-free milk, splash of Diet Coke. Don't judge.
- 10 White Cheddar Cheez-Its
- About 2 tablespoons of frosting from cupcakes my daughter gave me (she got them from work) - but hey! I didn't eat a whole cupcake!! Yay me!!!

Hi there! Thanks for following my blog. I'm a Texas mom, recently a grandmother, and I love the Lord, my family, and a good story well told. 

I started this blog for a couple of reasons.

1.) In the crazy-busy-ness of life, I need to find balance between spirituality and everyday reality.  I don't know about you but for me, this is hard. If Bible reading and prayer time are put off "until later when I have time," I find that, more often than I'd care to admit, "put off" really means "not gonna happen."


2.) I need accountability.  God knows I wish I didn't need some outward system of regulation to keep me focused, but I do! Several years ago I lost 38 pounds on Weight Watchers.  It was all about tracking the food and the accountability of going to the meetings, and facing the weigh-in, that kept me on the right path.  Now, several years later and with more than 38 pounds gained back, I need to fit into my clothes again....without going crazy, and preferably without paying to go to meetings.

3.) Last but not least, I miss writing. A long time ago when I was thinner and had fewer (well, zero) children, I wrote pretty much daily. Typed, actually. On a typewriter. I guess it was more journaling than anything; I never really did much fiction, although I would try my hand at the occasional poem....anyway, I enjoyed writing, and I'd like to rediscover this simple pleasure. 

So here I am. Blogging.  I hope to accomplish a few things with this blog. Intangibly, I'd like to recover and improve upon my writing ability.  If you have some constructive criticism for me, I'm open to that. But be kind, okay? More tangibly, I plan on establishing a daily routine that will allow me to spend time with the Lord as well as make time to improve my health. To that end, I am planning to wake up early tomorrow morning to continue my Bible reading program; additionally, I've already been working out several times a week at the gym, and I plan to keep doing that and to expand my routine to include more weights.  Also, I expect to return to healthy eating habits. (Ha! At Christmastime? Ha! Hahaha! .....sigh....) I have to do something before my hips alone require their own zip code, so my plan is to start tracking my eating and to post it here.  Not sure yet what I'll be using to track. Thinking about "My Fitness Pal." Or maybe just writing down what I ate, without being worried about the calories. Either way, I believe that by being honest, transparent, and consistent in tracking, I will end up losing weight.

I think I'm going to weigh in at the gym tomorrow.  (shudder)